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Self-Reflection….not always easy
Looking back upon 2023, is interesting to say the least.
My husband and I were chatting on our morning drive yesterday morning, and to be honest, when we got home…I was in a funk.
I do realize that I am most definitely BLESSED, and I have SO many things to thank God for.
Sometimes, it’s just a hard pill to swallow when you realize that the setbacks, difficulties, and realizations of reflecting upon the year at it’s end.
Reflecting on 2023: The Main Difficulties
*After being in the classroom for 21 years, making the tough decision to stop teaching.– There were a MULTITUDE of difficulties/negatives that led me to that decision. (However, the blessing in it is that I get to make resources and products, visit classrooms, blog, etc. because that decision was made.)
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*Losing many individuals that I thought were friends, (because we had YEARS of memories, laughs, collaborations, etc.) yet in the end when everything was said and done….what I THOUGHT were genuine friendships….were indeed not. That in itself, at the age of 42, is tough. I don’t believe in quantity when it comes to friendships. I am a true believer of quality. When I am part of a friendship, that means that I let those people into the parts of my life that are not just open to anyone.
*Truly dealing with the emotions and “left overs” per say of what I would consider “Pandora’s Box” in my life….something I kept to myself for over 23 years…. isn’t a secret any longer. Even though some may say it isn’t healthy to deal with traumatic events on your own, however, the repercussions of it being out of the “box” haven’t been anywhere close to easy.
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*Dealing with what I never even knew the official title of….body dysmorphia….
What is body dysmorphic disorder (BDD)?
Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a mental health condition that causes you to view your own physical appearance unfairly. The thoughts and feelings related to your appearance can consume you and affect your thoughts and actions. Eventually, BDD can negatively impact your quality of life and how you feel about yourself.
While everyone’s body has unique characteristics and differences, BDD means you believe one or more of your body’s characteristics are flaws. That belief compels you to spend significant amounts of time focusing on or trying to change what you think is wrong with you.
BDD is most likely to start in your teens or early adult years…..Unfortunately, Pandora’s BOX….. contributed to mine.
It is a CONSTANT struggle, one that I keep inside. But, my dear husband is truly helping me with it. It is real….and it is so difficult to deal with it is hard to even put into words. I honestly feel that if you don’t deal with it firsthand, then you don’t know how truly paralyzing it is.
I have learned to put my makeup on without looking in the mirror. (I only look when I’m doing my mascara…and at that point…I ONLY look at my lashes.
The sad part is…I KNOW my identity is though Christ, but Satan takes a foothold on this…and RUNS with it.
I’m never thin enough, my skin is never clear enough, my hair (that is currently falling out in clumps) is never long enough/shiney enough/healthy enough.
NO….I mean NO clothes look right on me.
I am in tears literally DAILY about this. Sometimes…I genuinely sink to the ground feeling helpless when I know that noone is home to come in on me.
And then comes this….
I know, I know….”She” has nothing to worry about…..”she” is over dramatic….”it’s always something”….yep. It is. Going through my mind and thoughts nearly all of the time.
It isn’t a vain thing….it is something that with ALL of the compliments in the world…I. CANNOT. HELP.
It is a struggle, but one that I pray and hope will diminish in 2024.
My husband has been a tremendous help, and words of affirmation are a constant….. it’s just me. All on me.
(This WHOLE topic could be a blog post on its own.)
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*Dealing with the reality of driving an hour back and forth almost daily to where I used to live has taken quite a toll on me, my son, and my family as well.
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*My precious husband lost his job UNEXPECTEDLY in June due to some very poor decisions made by some at his company.(These poor decisions have now come to light by those who should have seen it the whole time.)
REMEMBER….. Like I stated above, I did not have a job any longer either. Therefore, ……. Yes. The stress of ALL the things that both of us not having a job brought.
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*Dealing with ALL of the adjustments, etc. that come with a blended family in the FIRST year of marriage bring. There really isn’t a need to elaborate further. Just the normal…and a bit of the not so normal that comes with the territory.
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My son having one of the toughest seasons he has ever been through. Dealing with paralyzing anxiety (at times) and A LOT of anxiety the rest of the time has been hard on everyone involved. Seeing your son be so worried, nervous, and anxious all of the time. Realizing that many times he kept it to himself…and then before you know it, it comes out in ways that are the OPPOSITE of the nature and character of your son to begin with. Evaluations, long talks, coping strategies are all being had/done. It is a day at a time process.
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My BEST friend since Kindergarten and her 2 precious daughters dealing with one of the roughest if not THE roughest year of their lives. Deaths of immediate family within weeks of each other being at the top of the list.
BUT…. with the difficulties came positives as well!
I started my own business, have had the privilege of having much more quality time with my husband, and I have grown closer in my relationship with the Lord. Leaning in on him more than I have ever had to, but thanking him along the way.
So, with all of that being said…. Focusing on 2024
THIS is where so much self-reflection has taken place.
I don’t believe in “resolutions” per say, but I do believe in GROWTH, constant REFLECTION…and FOCUSING foward.
In 2024 I will…
- Be spending more INTENTIONAL time with my family.
- Continue to work on loving myself even though most days it is really difficult.
- GROW my business and set high, but attainable, goals for my website, blog, and store.
- Be a LIGHT. Just like Matthew 5:16 states. I want to be a LIGHT to others….and SHINE from within focusing on the GOOD that God has blessed me with….and the ME that HE made ME to BE.
- Continue to strive to be the best wife, mom, and stepmom I can to all of the boys/men in my life.
- Not let a day go by where I don’t THANK HIM and become a POSITIVE person through all life’s trials and tribulations…and CELEBRATIONS!!
- And lastly, Grace. Have Grace, Give Grace….both to others and myself.
I will leave you with this….to me it rings such truth:
*Sidenote: This blog post is real. It’s raw. It’s from my heart. My hope is that from even some of my words, someone out there can relate and have hope. ~KE
Reflecting on 2023 and focusing on 2024
With ALL of that being said, I would appreciate any support you could send my way in ordering any resources or products I have from this website or my TPT Store: The Bright Cookie
